Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
