You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
