So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
