Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I didn't notice because vodka
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
