You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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