Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My feet surprised me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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