dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
