He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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