There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
