I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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