I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
