my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize