I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
one two three fourrrrnication!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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