I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
