does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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