my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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