I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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