He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
