o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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