i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize