I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so let's talk penis.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
