this beer tastes like vomit already
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
