When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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