Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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