if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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