Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
