Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
