We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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