your parents love me but you hate me
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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