I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
