escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
