You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
