you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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