Betty ford says i'm here all night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
