Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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