I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
