I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
