It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
