Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
