Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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