Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize