The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
