I only kidnapped one of them. chill
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
