Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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