You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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