dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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