i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
