Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
FUCK WHALES
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
