Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
