I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm both gender and math confused
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
