Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
