Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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