I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
