Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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