Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
