i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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