This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
